On this World Mental Health Awareness Day, I am inspired to finally share about the darkest day of my life. December 13, 2018. The day that I ultimately came the closest to ending my life with suicidal ideation. The reason I am alive today is because of my dog, Edger, and my bestest friend, Carolyn Dudden.
I don’t remember specifically what that day was like, only the moments surrounding the evening of December 13th, and those leading up to it. While I have been through significant trauma in my life, it was the events of 2018 that eventually pushed me over the edge.
Starting in January/February when I had just recently started a new job, and then met my ex, Trae Hestness, through work. What I now know are major red flags, about 3 weeks into dating I started receiving phone calls from an unknown number and then a text message one night basically asking if I was with my ex. The person who was texting and calling me was Jonathan Paloma, and he was claiming that Hestness had a girlfriend already. He somehow knew my location this night, and in months to continue.
This stalking and harassment from Paloma continued over several months, with me blocking the real and fake numbers he would contact me from. I even went to the West Des Moines police and reported the harassment, but was of course met with my concerns being dismissed and treated very poorly. This treatment from law enforcement toward stalking and harassment victims and survivors is very common.
The situation that began early on in this relationship definitely affected my trust and questioning if my ex was cheating on me. Spoiler! He was. Basically our entire relationship. When I finally found out, I confirmed he was cheating via dating apps, video games pretending to be the perfect boyfriend (LOL), and other instances in question on social media, snapchat and in person.
As you can imagine, all of this significantly impacted my self-confidence and sanity. With all of this building up, I also decided that I didn’t want to take my hormonal birth control anymore, and stopped usage about a month before December 13th. This change in hormones on top of the gaslighting and harassment built up until I could no longer take it.
The night of December 13, 2018, in my West Des Moines, Iowa, apartment, I Googled ‘how many pills to kill yourself’. Thankfully, Google’s response did not share how many, but rather the Suicide Hotline and other resources for those in mental health crisis. I also texted my ex for help, but he was ‘too busy’ in a meeting (LOL). I was thankfully in contact with my bestest friend Carolyn and she ended up calling the police (from New York!) for a welfare check and made my ex drive to me.
During my crisis, I was on the floor of my apartment, sobbing uncontrollably, on my knees holding myself. Edger was there with me literally licking my tears. He saved me. I kept thinking, ‘who would take care of Edger if I died?’.
The police came and offered to take me to the ER, which I visited and was admitted to the psych ward on a 72-hour hold. Honestly, that was one of the worst experiences of my life. I didn’t need that. I needed someone to be with me. I needed a hospital bed or a tranquil retreat to relax and be taken care of. Not locked up in a cold, uncomfortable, strange place with no contact to anyone I knew.
I was also worried about Edger. Who would take care of him? My ex ended up staying a couple nights to take care of him (I think?). However when I was released and got into my car, my ex had not truly helped me. He had not cleaned my car. He had not cleaned my apartment. He laid around and did nothing. This made things worse. He did not care about me.
People who are depressed or who get out of the hospital need help with the little things. We need help cleaning, cooking, laundry, taking care of ourselves. That truly means a lot to us. I ended up going right back into work on Monday, but I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know then that I shouldn’t have. I was exhausted. I was embarrassed. I was plain tired. I am telling you to take the time that you need for yourself whether those are sick days, mental health days, leave of absence. You are worth more than your job and if your workplace doesn’t understand that, then you are in the wrong place.
Through this experience though, I met my wonderful therapist Anna Schappaugh, but sadly had to say goodbye to her when I left Iowa. I also went on the journey of finding the right medication to help me. I have been very open about therapy and mental health medication, and I still fully support both to this day.
Some of you know how much Edger meant to me, and this is part of why. He was my true companion who was there for me on the best days, the darkest days, and ended up saving my life. I will never forget him. Love you, Edger.
Lacy Road Media 
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